An Ending For Now

As sad as the news is, it needs to be said. Cassi lost the baby. We don't know why. In fact, the baby as the right size and everything - 11 weeks and 1 day.  So some time in the last 24 hours the baby's heartbeat stopped. The best guess is that there was a chromosome issue and the baby wouldn't have survived outside the womb if delivered at term. They aren't going to do anything as far as testing. But we are waiting for the nurse to call us with a date for the surgery to remove the baby. I haven't cried myself yet because I have wanted to be strong for Cassi. And really, if anyone has a right to cry is Cassi. I can wait til I'm alone. 

I wish there was a way to change this. To make things better. I wish that somehow the baby would miraculously be alive again. But on the more positive side, Cassi can be a kid for a little longer now. Still . . . at what a cost . . .  

Watching the ultrasound today, I noticed that the baby wasn't moving. And I was looking for the heartbeat and didn't see it. Then my mind flashed to an episode of  "19 Kids and Counting" where the mom had the same thing happen though she was farther along. Somehow I just knew as I watched. Not that it still didn't break my heart. Poor Cassi started balling immediately, which is normal, when the doctor said he didn't see  heartbeat. I just was there for her as much as I could be and will continue to do so.

I am very thankful to Jessica - her friend and Youth Leader at church. Sh rearranged her schedule so she could come to Cassi and take her out for awhile. 

I think distraction will help for awhile, but we'll see for how long. Either way, I need to call WIC and a few more places and tell them about this.

But this isn't a complete end to "Grandma Krystina's Adventures." It will be a delay and when the time is actually right, I will be a grandma and Cassi will be old enough to have a baby. Or Jordan will make me a Grandma first! But I am more concerned about Cassi and that's where my heart is right now.

I Am Disappointed

I was wondering when Cassi was going to tell her one and only grandpa that she was pregnant. Well, she did last night. And you know he gives her? The "I'm disappointed" speech. Hello! She didn't ask to be pregnant! It just happened! Instead of being worried about her it was more important for him to tell her how disappointed he was in her, Why is it that people that have to tell you how they feeling during something that you didn't plan to happen do it. It doesn't change anything. It certainly doesn't HELP! I mean, you really honestly think she doesn't know that she screwed up! It's like someone standing on the edge of a precipice and telling the person that their feelings don't matter, just your's do. He still said he loved her, but excuse me?  You don't tell a dying person that they are dying. You're supposed to try to help them cope, maybe give them a smile if you can. I mean, doesn't the person who's dying KNOWS their dying? They don't need to be told. What they need if your support!

So basically I am really disappointed by her grandfather. He could have taken the time to grow closer to her and be supportive, but I guess he's not going to be. Cassi is pretty upset and I'm not sure she will get over the "I'm disappointed" speech. She came to me kind of crying, but mostly just depressed and on the verge of tears. She was really hurt. I'm not sure if she's going to include him in anything. And she was not happy that he blames me (and her father) for raising her. She is very protective of me and so, I don't know how things will play out for him. He may not hear from her until after the baby is born if ever. I am not going to say anything to go either way. This is something she has got to deal with on her own because it can only be her decision.

On a happier note, she changed the name she wants for a boy. It might change again later! But it's James Justin. :-) for now!

She has an OB appointment tomorrow morning so I should be posting again soon!

Off to the next adventure!

Breakdowns and Ultrasounds

Well, this last week have been somewhat crazy. Cassi has literally flipped out several times. For 2-3 days I could say nothing right, her claws were out and I got very irritable from getting yelled at constantly, which compounding the issues. I was to the point of losing it, and actually was thinking about taking a weekend off from her. You know, for sanity's sake. But she eventually calmed down and we were both sorry, though she cried a lot. I know some of this is the hormones from the pregnancy, but she's always had emotional issues. Her therapists did come and talk with her, which I think helped. She suggested a therapy pet. Yeah, right . . . Not happening with her Grandma in Grandma's house. I did try to feel her out about the idea and she got feisty mean. But we still went to the animal shelter nearby twice. We had a great time looking at cats and dogs. It was hard to listen to their crying though. The cats were all awesome and I think several of them would have made good therapy pets. But the dogs were harder to find ones with the requirements we needed, but we actually got to play with three separate dogs. One was too jumpy, but so cute. Another that wouldn't stop when he was running and run right into people. But the best, and I am not really into Boxers, was a Boxer! He was awesome! If I could have been able to take a dog home, it would have been perfect! He gets excited and all, but he doesn't really jump crazily. He tuckers out in about 5-10 minutes and then becomes nice and calm. He is house broken. Likes kids and has some obedience training. I felt bad we couldn't take him home since we had found the perfect dog. :-( But we also got good news! One of the cats that we had fallen in love with too - Henry - he got ADOPTED!!! :-) That was such awesome news! But Cassi took the fact that we couldn't take Stone (the Boxer) home in stride.

Cassi also had a third ultrasound done on February 26th. It was miraculous! Her Big Sister, Lenore, came with us and we got to see the baby move!! Her due date was confirmed with this ultrasound so we know that the baby is due September 24, 2013. Of course, we don't expect to have the baby on that date exactly, but it will be around there for sure! Lenore was sweet and got us a smoothie each - strawberry banana. But here is the ultrasounds:

But then she had another breakdown over her uncle telling her not to cuss because she's just 15 years old. Not that he can say much for himself in that department, but he is right that she shouldn't cuss so much. But she literally flipped out. I couldn't believe how crazy she got!! After he left (I was taking him to the trolley) I couldn't believe how far out of proportion this had blown. The she told Jason she was cutting and I kind of flipped out. I called her once I got in the driveway and told her to come out to the care was because I was going to take her to the hospital for an evaluation. She told me it was only a little cut like a scratch and that's all. So I told her, as much as I didn't want this, that she needed to start taking the medication. So she started that Friday night. I think in the long run this will be a good thing. Hopefully it won't take too long to start kicking in. But we'll see!

March 1st and 2nd I did A LOT of shopping! There seemed to be tons of things to get and pay - though not for the baby yet. Next month or May I'm going to get the bedding we want. But there were a lot of other things - bus passes, an outfit for me (I couldn't resisted this top and I wanted a pair of jeans finally!), had to get cat food, treats, rabbit treats, toilet paper, nose spray . . . all the usual stuff. But Cassi and Jordan needed shampoo and conditioner, Cassi needed some blackhead removers or some pads for acne. I did get a couple of movies. I also got a lot of Easter and St Patty's Day stuff and candy - stuff to go into the box for my soldier. What's cool is that he finally sent me a letter! I was so thrilled to get it since I hadn't heard from him. He also gave me his email address so I turned around and wrote him immediately! One day later, I got a response! He also cleared up the spelling of his last name. LOL! They signed him up misspelling it! It was nice to hear that he enjoyed the fact that as a family we are so close - I have shared a lot about what goes on around here. He got lots of letters over Christmas! Lots of goodies too! There is so much stuff I got and plus pay rent and put fuel money away - not that there was much left.

But so far we're doing okay at the moment. Cassi got to go out if the house last night and spend the night with a friend, which I think she desperately needed, and tomorrow she goes to school for the last two periods of the day. She might even go for lunch! To be honest, I'm lucky she does THAT at the moment. If I can, things will be different after she has the baby. Until then I look forward to summer when school is out.

Guess that's it for this edition. Another will follow soon!

New Ultrasounds and Ups and Downs

Well, Cassi got home from her Winter Bible Camp and she had a great time, but boy was she sore from all the hiking. Over the weekend I got to just chill out for the most part. Monday I managed to get several letters done that I had put off for a few weeks. I was happy about that, but Cassi has had too emotional breakdowns this week. A lot of it is pressure about the future. But I just try to comfort her, but if that doesn't work I just let her cry it out and then we talk about it. 

Tuesday she FINALLY had her first OB appointment. This time the insurance was ready and so she got weighed. She lost another 2-3 pounds. But I think the nausea is going down so hopefully she'll stop losing weight. Not that I want her to gain a lot of weight during the pregnancy, but losing weight isn't good! But I think she's feeling better and maybe eating a little more than she was. Let's hope!

Anyway, at the OB appointment they did an ultrasound and now the Due Date has been changed to September 24th. It's so cool! In the ultrasound you can see the little hands and feet!

I can't help feeling joy at the life that's just beginning! But I hate how it's stressing Cassi out but she won't even consider adoption and I'm going to help her as much as I can! I think it will turn out okay. I have faith that God wouldn't have her get pregnant just to lose the baby. Plus she loves Aaron/Erin with all her heart already. I think things will turn better for her when she feels her little one move inside her. There is no feeling like it!

Yesterday we had a meeting at the school to see about placing her in a school program for pregnant teens. Unfortunately the woman was busy and simply forgot, but we did wait an hour for her. However tomorrow she is supposed to be therefor sure so that's the new meeting date. That evening we had dinner with Jason and Susan. Jason made a joke about Cassi an though she didn't get really bent out of share when we were there it was just one more thing on her plate and she lost it for awhile on the way home and at home. She was so sure that her life was over. That she would never be a kid again - that's kind of true, but it's not like she'll never had fun again so I let her cry it out because nothing I said was going to help. We all get to those times where all we can see is the darkness. Anyway, Jordan gave her a hug and then he got her to smile and laugh. 

Today when she got up she told me that her life wasn't over. That adults had fun too, just not as often, so she was ready to grow up. There will probably be a few more flip flops before all is said and done, but I'm glad she can see that at the moment.

So now, we eat our chili and cornbread for dinner, relax and go to sleep for tomorrow to start!

No Vomiting Today!!

I was very happy  that Cassi was only nauseous  today and didn't throw up. That's a good thing! Today we got up and got ready to go to Church for Life Lessons Shares from the women's ministry. Once a month there is a guest speaker to share their testimony. This one had also had a baby young so Cassi wanted to go. We picked up Aunt Nicole and went. It was awesome to have all three of us together. Unfortunently  I couldn't go downstairs for the continental breakfast but Cassie and Nicole went down. Cassi brought me up something to eat which was sweet of her. But while I was waiting Paula came up and introduced herself to me. She runs the children's ministry, but is also one of Cassi's great supports at church. I had seen her, but it was nice to talk with her face to face. Then when the event started Cassi went to go sit with her friends that were there. I didn't mind. The happier she is, the less stress she is under.

Just as we were leaving Uncle Jason called and invited Cassi to go to Motor Cross with him tonight and she wanted to go. But when we got over to their place and after Aunt Susan coming back with some burgers for dinner Cassie went to take a nap. The pregnancy is really making her tired. I left tired myself.and came home to take a nap. Didn't sleep long before I was woken up for dinner.

Anyway, my phone was acting up and not letting me get calls or make calls. I had to pull out the batteries about three or four times in a row before my phone worked again. Then I called to check in and Cassi was enjoying it but was very cold. She'd eaten some nachos. Go figure. She says it's not Mexican food! LOL! Whatever as long as she was having fun right?

Well, just got a call from Jason and they are leaving early because of all the fumes, she's cold and people around them are SMOKING POT!! You know, under different circumstances who cares, but with someone who's pregnant that's just not right. Not that she looks it yet. I am picking them up at Amaya and taking them to his place. She's spending the night there which is nice. They need to re-enforce their bond.

Well, that's it for this addition. We'll see what tomorrow brings. But I worry about her and the baby. Probably more than she realizes. I'm the Grandma! It's my job, right?