An Ending For Now

As sad as the news is, it needs to be said. Cassi lost the baby. We don't know why. In fact, the baby as the right size and everything - 11 weeks and 1 day.  So some time in the last 24 hours the baby's heartbeat stopped. The best guess is that there was a chromosome issue and the baby wouldn't have survived outside the womb if delivered at term. They aren't going to do anything as far as testing. But we are waiting for the nurse to call us with a date for the surgery to remove the baby. I haven't cried myself yet because I have wanted to be strong for Cassi. And really, if anyone has a right to cry is Cassi. I can wait til I'm alone. 

I wish there was a way to change this. To make things better. I wish that somehow the baby would miraculously be alive again. But on the more positive side, Cassi can be a kid for a little longer now. Still . . . at what a cost . . .  

Watching the ultrasound today, I noticed that the baby wasn't moving. And I was looking for the heartbeat and didn't see it. Then my mind flashed to an episode of  "19 Kids and Counting" where the mom had the same thing happen though she was farther along. Somehow I just knew as I watched. Not that it still didn't break my heart. Poor Cassi started balling immediately, which is normal, when the doctor said he didn't see  heartbeat. I just was there for her as much as I could be and will continue to do so.

I am very thankful to Jessica - her friend and Youth Leader at church. Sh rearranged her schedule so she could come to Cassi and take her out for awhile. 

I think distraction will help for awhile, but we'll see for how long. Either way, I need to call WIC and a few more places and tell them about this.

But this isn't a complete end to "Grandma Krystina's Adventures." It will be a delay and when the time is actually right, I will be a grandma and Cassi will be old enough to have a baby. Or Jordan will make me a Grandma first! But I am more concerned about Cassi and that's where my heart is right now.

I Am Disappointed

I was wondering when Cassi was going to tell her one and only grandpa that she was pregnant. Well, she did last night. And you know he gives her? The "I'm disappointed" speech. Hello! She didn't ask to be pregnant! It just happened! Instead of being worried about her it was more important for him to tell her how disappointed he was in her, Why is it that people that have to tell you how they feeling during something that you didn't plan to happen do it. It doesn't change anything. It certainly doesn't HELP! I mean, you really honestly think she doesn't know that she screwed up! It's like someone standing on the edge of a precipice and telling the person that their feelings don't matter, just your's do. He still said he loved her, but excuse me?  You don't tell a dying person that they are dying. You're supposed to try to help them cope, maybe give them a smile if you can. I mean, doesn't the person who's dying KNOWS their dying? They don't need to be told. What they need if your support!

So basically I am really disappointed by her grandfather. He could have taken the time to grow closer to her and be supportive, but I guess he's not going to be. Cassi is pretty upset and I'm not sure she will get over the "I'm disappointed" speech. She came to me kind of crying, but mostly just depressed and on the verge of tears. She was really hurt. I'm not sure if she's going to include him in anything. And she was not happy that he blames me (and her father) for raising her. She is very protective of me and so, I don't know how things will play out for him. He may not hear from her until after the baby is born if ever. I am not going to say anything to go either way. This is something she has got to deal with on her own because it can only be her decision.

On a happier note, she changed the name she wants for a boy. It might change again later! But it's James Justin. :-) for now!

She has an OB appointment tomorrow morning so I should be posting again soon!

Off to the next adventure!