An Ending For Now

As sad as the news is, it needs to be said. Cassi lost the baby. We don't know why. In fact, the baby as the right size and everything - 11 weeks and 1 day.  So some time in the last 24 hours the baby's heartbeat stopped. The best guess is that there was a chromosome issue and the baby wouldn't have survived outside the womb if delivered at term. They aren't going to do anything as far as testing. But we are waiting for the nurse to call us with a date for the surgery to remove the baby. I haven't cried myself yet because I have wanted to be strong for Cassi. And really, if anyone has a right to cry is Cassi. I can wait til I'm alone. 

I wish there was a way to change this. To make things better. I wish that somehow the baby would miraculously be alive again. But on the more positive side, Cassi can be a kid for a little longer now. Still . . . at what a cost . . .  

Watching the ultrasound today, I noticed that the baby wasn't moving. And I was looking for the heartbeat and didn't see it. Then my mind flashed to an episode of  "19 Kids and Counting" where the mom had the same thing happen though she was farther along. Somehow I just knew as I watched. Not that it still didn't break my heart. Poor Cassi started balling immediately, which is normal, when the doctor said he didn't see  heartbeat. I just was there for her as much as I could be and will continue to do so.

I am very thankful to Jessica - her friend and Youth Leader at church. Sh rearranged her schedule so she could come to Cassi and take her out for awhile. 

I think distraction will help for awhile, but we'll see for how long. Either way, I need to call WIC and a few more places and tell them about this.

But this isn't a complete end to "Grandma Krystina's Adventures." It will be a delay and when the time is actually right, I will be a grandma and Cassi will be old enough to have a baby. Or Jordan will make me a Grandma first! But I am more concerned about Cassi and that's where my heart is right now.

I Am Disappointed

I was wondering when Cassi was going to tell her one and only grandpa that she was pregnant. Well, she did last night. And you know he gives her? The "I'm disappointed" speech. Hello! She didn't ask to be pregnant! It just happened! Instead of being worried about her it was more important for him to tell her how disappointed he was in her, Why is it that people that have to tell you how they feeling during something that you didn't plan to happen do it. It doesn't change anything. It certainly doesn't HELP! I mean, you really honestly think she doesn't know that she screwed up! It's like someone standing on the edge of a precipice and telling the person that their feelings don't matter, just your's do. He still said he loved her, but excuse me?  You don't tell a dying person that they are dying. You're supposed to try to help them cope, maybe give them a smile if you can. I mean, doesn't the person who's dying KNOWS their dying? They don't need to be told. What they need if your support!

So basically I am really disappointed by her grandfather. He could have taken the time to grow closer to her and be supportive, but I guess he's not going to be. Cassi is pretty upset and I'm not sure she will get over the "I'm disappointed" speech. She came to me kind of crying, but mostly just depressed and on the verge of tears. She was really hurt. I'm not sure if she's going to include him in anything. And she was not happy that he blames me (and her father) for raising her. She is very protective of me and so, I don't know how things will play out for him. He may not hear from her until after the baby is born if ever. I am not going to say anything to go either way. This is something she has got to deal with on her own because it can only be her decision.

On a happier note, she changed the name she wants for a boy. It might change again later! But it's James Justin. :-) for now!

She has an OB appointment tomorrow morning so I should be posting again soon!

Off to the next adventure!

Breakdowns and Ultrasounds

Well, this last week have been somewhat crazy. Cassi has literally flipped out several times. For 2-3 days I could say nothing right, her claws were out and I got very irritable from getting yelled at constantly, which compounding the issues. I was to the point of losing it, and actually was thinking about taking a weekend off from her. You know, for sanity's sake. But she eventually calmed down and we were both sorry, though she cried a lot. I know some of this is the hormones from the pregnancy, but she's always had emotional issues. Her therapists did come and talk with her, which I think helped. She suggested a therapy pet. Yeah, right . . . Not happening with her Grandma in Grandma's house. I did try to feel her out about the idea and she got feisty mean. But we still went to the animal shelter nearby twice. We had a great time looking at cats and dogs. It was hard to listen to their crying though. The cats were all awesome and I think several of them would have made good therapy pets. But the dogs were harder to find ones with the requirements we needed, but we actually got to play with three separate dogs. One was too jumpy, but so cute. Another that wouldn't stop when he was running and run right into people. But the best, and I am not really into Boxers, was a Boxer! He was awesome! If I could have been able to take a dog home, it would have been perfect! He gets excited and all, but he doesn't really jump crazily. He tuckers out in about 5-10 minutes and then becomes nice and calm. He is house broken. Likes kids and has some obedience training. I felt bad we couldn't take him home since we had found the perfect dog. :-( But we also got good news! One of the cats that we had fallen in love with too - Henry - he got ADOPTED!!! :-) That was such awesome news! But Cassi took the fact that we couldn't take Stone (the Boxer) home in stride.

Cassi also had a third ultrasound done on February 26th. It was miraculous! Her Big Sister, Lenore, came with us and we got to see the baby move!! Her due date was confirmed with this ultrasound so we know that the baby is due September 24, 2013. Of course, we don't expect to have the baby on that date exactly, but it will be around there for sure! Lenore was sweet and got us a smoothie each - strawberry banana. But here is the ultrasounds:

But then she had another breakdown over her uncle telling her not to cuss because she's just 15 years old. Not that he can say much for himself in that department, but he is right that she shouldn't cuss so much. But she literally flipped out. I couldn't believe how crazy she got!! After he left (I was taking him to the trolley) I couldn't believe how far out of proportion this had blown. The she told Jason she was cutting and I kind of flipped out. I called her once I got in the driveway and told her to come out to the care was because I was going to take her to the hospital for an evaluation. She told me it was only a little cut like a scratch and that's all. So I told her, as much as I didn't want this, that she needed to start taking the medication. So she started that Friday night. I think in the long run this will be a good thing. Hopefully it won't take too long to start kicking in. But we'll see!

March 1st and 2nd I did A LOT of shopping! There seemed to be tons of things to get and pay - though not for the baby yet. Next month or May I'm going to get the bedding we want. But there were a lot of other things - bus passes, an outfit for me (I couldn't resisted this top and I wanted a pair of jeans finally!), had to get cat food, treats, rabbit treats, toilet paper, nose spray . . . all the usual stuff. But Cassi and Jordan needed shampoo and conditioner, Cassi needed some blackhead removers or some pads for acne. I did get a couple of movies. I also got a lot of Easter and St Patty's Day stuff and candy - stuff to go into the box for my soldier. What's cool is that he finally sent me a letter! I was so thrilled to get it since I hadn't heard from him. He also gave me his email address so I turned around and wrote him immediately! One day later, I got a response! He also cleared up the spelling of his last name. LOL! They signed him up misspelling it! It was nice to hear that he enjoyed the fact that as a family we are so close - I have shared a lot about what goes on around here. He got lots of letters over Christmas! Lots of goodies too! There is so much stuff I got and plus pay rent and put fuel money away - not that there was much left.

But so far we're doing okay at the moment. Cassi got to go out if the house last night and spend the night with a friend, which I think she desperately needed, and tomorrow she goes to school for the last two periods of the day. She might even go for lunch! To be honest, I'm lucky she does THAT at the moment. If I can, things will be different after she has the baby. Until then I look forward to summer when school is out.

Guess that's it for this edition. Another will follow soon!

New Ultrasounds and Ups and Downs

Well, Cassi got home from her Winter Bible Camp and she had a great time, but boy was she sore from all the hiking. Over the weekend I got to just chill out for the most part. Monday I managed to get several letters done that I had put off for a few weeks. I was happy about that, but Cassi has had too emotional breakdowns this week. A lot of it is pressure about the future. But I just try to comfort her, but if that doesn't work I just let her cry it out and then we talk about it. 

Tuesday she FINALLY had her first OB appointment. This time the insurance was ready and so she got weighed. She lost another 2-3 pounds. But I think the nausea is going down so hopefully she'll stop losing weight. Not that I want her to gain a lot of weight during the pregnancy, but losing weight isn't good! But I think she's feeling better and maybe eating a little more than she was. Let's hope!

Anyway, at the OB appointment they did an ultrasound and now the Due Date has been changed to September 24th. It's so cool! In the ultrasound you can see the little hands and feet!

I can't help feeling joy at the life that's just beginning! But I hate how it's stressing Cassi out but she won't even consider adoption and I'm going to help her as much as I can! I think it will turn out okay. I have faith that God wouldn't have her get pregnant just to lose the baby. Plus she loves Aaron/Erin with all her heart already. I think things will turn better for her when she feels her little one move inside her. There is no feeling like it!

Yesterday we had a meeting at the school to see about placing her in a school program for pregnant teens. Unfortunately the woman was busy and simply forgot, but we did wait an hour for her. However tomorrow she is supposed to be therefor sure so that's the new meeting date. That evening we had dinner with Jason and Susan. Jason made a joke about Cassi an though she didn't get really bent out of share when we were there it was just one more thing on her plate and she lost it for awhile on the way home and at home. She was so sure that her life was over. That she would never be a kid again - that's kind of true, but it's not like she'll never had fun again so I let her cry it out because nothing I said was going to help. We all get to those times where all we can see is the darkness. Anyway, Jordan gave her a hug and then he got her to smile and laugh. 

Today when she got up she told me that her life wasn't over. That adults had fun too, just not as often, so she was ready to grow up. There will probably be a few more flip flops before all is said and done, but I'm glad she can see that at the moment.

So now, we eat our chili and cornbread for dinner, relax and go to sleep for tomorrow to start!

Off to Winter Bible Camp for Cassi!

Well, where do I start. I barely remember what I did yesterday, but it was a busy day. The night before that Cassi got herself an iguana after finding a much better home for her kitty Ash Cloud. I have to say Igasaurus Rex is very awesome, but we're going to have to get him a bigger tank soon and I'm not sure when that's going to work out, but it will. It will be more difficult when he really gets big!! But Cassi loves him and so do I! Cassi took him with us everywhere we went yesterday - AFTER the WIC appointment. That went well and she is now getting WIC. We stopped home briefly so I could get some of my fuel money and Cassi to get Iggy,  then we went to Walmart to see if they were WIC approved. Nope! Went to the Walmart Market and they didn't have their WIC approval yet. I guess that means at some point they will have it! I also had to pick up a couple things for burritos when I made last night. It hurt my back, but not as much as it has in the past. That's from losing weight though I don't know how much I've lost. After that was done I finally took the  car to Claudio, my mechanic, and FINALLY had the check engine soon light cheked - Spark Plug 5 and cylinder. What's great about my mechanic and why I won't go to anyone else is because he will let me pay him later when I have the money or will even accept payments. He is SUCH a great guy. But Cassi got so bored waiting for the car. Iggy fell asleep on her chest as she covered him with a sweater she was wearing! He looked so cute laying there! I just felt so tired that I did take a little break before making dinner.

Now to today! Cassi was supposed to have her first OB appointment this morning at 10:15am. We got there around 10:00am like we were supposed to for paperwork only to find after 30 to 40 minutes that her insurance hadn't switched her over to Molina Direct yet. She actually let me speak to the woman who was from Molina. Cassi had to have a primary doctor and she could have her other doctor because once you're pregnant you can't really see a pediatrician anymore. So I sent her to my clinic - that I'll have to get back to myself. Anyway, she told me it would take 24 hours for Cassi to be cleared. So Tuesday is her next OB appointment which will be her OFFICIAL first OB appointment.

After that we had just enough time for us to go back home long enough for her to grab a few more things for camp that she hadn't packed and then took off to where she was getting the ride up to the camp. I think she's going to have fun, but I also hope she's careful too!

By the time I got home, my mom wanted to go to lunch - yep! Great Grandma! We went to Wendy's. We both got the cod fillet sandwiches. I also got fries and a drink - which I had about 5 fries and that was it for me, but I ate most of the sandwich. I still have some of the drink left! LOL! My mom got chili cheese fries with hers because she had a coupon for them (along with my fries and drink) but she wasn't impressed with them. I just gave Jordan what I had left except the the drink. Then but 45 minutes after that, I had to take Jordan to the Town and Country convention center to watch his friend Amy graduate, but mostly so he could see if girlfriend Alicia. Then I picked up Jason, but he take to take me to WHERE to drop Jordan off. After that Jason and I went to one AT&T store to find out we had to go to another location to see what they could do with my Blackberry Curve. They gave me a new phone and were able to transfer a lot of pix. Even though it's the same type of phone this one seems WAY better!

Anyway, all that took a long time. By the time we were done, I was ready to leave. I took Jason home and hung out with him for awhile which was really nice to kick back and do nothing for awhile except eating pizza and petting cats! But eventually I had to leave. There was one last stop and that was for my meds from the pharmacy. I started a new medication tonight that's supposed to help me relax! I definitely need that! LOL!

So now I am home. I'm hungry again and am going to eat the PB&J I made earlier. Take the rest of my meds and go to sleep. I'm going to miss my Cassi while she's gone at camp, but she has to have a little more time to be a kid. God knows that's going to be gone very soon!

I hope Cassi has a way of charging her phone so  I can text her tomorrow. And I am so happy because tomorrow I don't have to drive ANYWHERE!! Grandma needs a break!

Mood Swings, Baby Bump and More!

Well, today I woke up tired like I have woke up for several days now. But right now I'm awake and ready to do the things I need to do and hopefully will get most done, thanks to some coffee I had, but I can't drink it all the time without suffering the consequences. 

Originally I was going to write some letters until I had to take Jordan to therapy, but Cassi had lost an ear plug and my idea was to go up to Walmart, buy some orange juice for Cassi for the vitamin C and folic acid. I also got her a single serving of Tru Moo for the Calcium. When I went to check out, I was hoping to pull off about $8 so I could take her to get plugs for her ears so the holes wouldn't close up, but they only let you pull money in increments of $20. I don't have that much on my cash card. I was upset about it, but there was nothing I could do. So I was going to go to Vons because I KNEW they would take off only what I needed, but we ran out of time because I have to get Jordan to therapy. We were both unhappy about it. I told her she should clean up her room and that maybe she would find it. Talk about snappy. I guess we both started snapping at each other. She did catch me in something I do. I check my phone messages while at stop lights and she got WAY upset over that! LOL! I guess I know I shouldn't be doing it, but at a stop light is it really that bad when I am always keeping an eye out for the light to change? Well, maybe I shouldn't do that, but I do. 

But we did talk about other things. I asked her if she was drinking enough water and stuff like that. How many prenatal vitamins she had left. Turns out only a few so it's a good thing she had her OB appointment on Friday! Then we also talked about the fact that she would start showing soon. She told me she had. Someone already saw a little bit of a baby bump. :-D That and I asked her what she wanted to do about clothes for her pregnancy and she said she wanted to wear dresses!! She thought they would be better and I have to agree since she's going to be pregnant during the summer. I haven't bought anything for the baby, but it's my weird, "I don't want to jinx it" thing. I know she worries about losing the baby. She has mentioned it before, but she prays about it, I think. She already loves her little baby so much!! And for me, it's a great thing to see. For the most part she is growing up and taking good care of herself and the baby. I just wish she'd clean up her room! LOL!

No Vomiting Today!!

I was very happy  that Cassi was only nauseous  today and didn't throw up. That's a good thing! Today we got up and got ready to go to Church for Life Lessons Shares from the women's ministry. Once a month there is a guest speaker to share their testimony. This one had also had a baby young so Cassi wanted to go. We picked up Aunt Nicole and went. It was awesome to have all three of us together. Unfortunently  I couldn't go downstairs for the continental breakfast but Cassie and Nicole went down. Cassi brought me up something to eat which was sweet of her. But while I was waiting Paula came up and introduced herself to me. She runs the children's ministry, but is also one of Cassi's great supports at church. I had seen her, but it was nice to talk with her face to face. Then when the event started Cassi went to go sit with her friends that were there. I didn't mind. The happier she is, the less stress she is under.

Just as we were leaving Uncle Jason called and invited Cassi to go to Motor Cross with him tonight and she wanted to go. But when we got over to their place and after Aunt Susan coming back with some burgers for dinner Cassie went to take a nap. The pregnancy is really making her tired. I left tired myself.and came home to take a nap. Didn't sleep long before I was woken up for dinner.

Anyway, my phone was acting up and not letting me get calls or make calls. I had to pull out the batteries about three or four times in a row before my phone worked again. Then I called to check in and Cassi was enjoying it but was very cold. She'd eaten some nachos. Go figure. She says it's not Mexican food! LOL! Whatever as long as she was having fun right?

Well, just got a call from Jason and they are leaving early because of all the fumes, she's cold and people around them are SMOKING POT!! You know, under different circumstances who cares, but with someone who's pregnant that's just not right. Not that she looks it yet. I am picking them up at Amaya and taking them to his place. She's spending the night there which is nice. They need to re-enforce their bond.

Well, that's it for this addition. We'll see what tomorrow brings. But I worry about her and the baby. Probably more than she realizes. I'm the Grandma! It's my job, right?